Book Review: The Defining Decade
- KIY
- Oct 11, 2020
- 5 min read
One of my favorite reads this fall has been The Defining Decade. This novel was given to me as a 20th birthday gift & I was beyond ecstatic to receive professional advice on making the most of this decade. The author, Meg Jay, is a clinical psychologist & human development professor who has guided numerous twentysomethings through their daily issues. She shares real life, personal anecdotes of clients who have struggled in their 20's throughout the book; this creates a relatable reading experience for the audience (literally, I almost felt as if I was sitting in Dr. Jay's office at times). The Defining Decade offers a chance to prepare for the (un)known & take advantage of these pivotal years.
The novel is divided into three sections: Work, Love, The Brain & the Body.
Jay begins by centering our attention on work life, proposing we create identity capital & build confidence through positive work experiences. She states "Some identity capital goes on a resume, such as degrees, jobs, test scores, and clubs. Other identity capital is more personal, such as how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, how we look. Identity capital is how we build ourselves- bit by bit over time." Jay's next piece of advice is to be aware of the strength of weak ties (the relationships we maintain with current/former employers, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, etc). She refers to the quote "A wise man makes his own luck," inferring that we create positive connections and network as early as possible. In the final chapter of this section (Work), Jay speaks on the search for glory... commonly known as "My Life Should Look Better on Facebook." It's easy for people my age to believe they SHOULD be making a career move based on outside opinions. The author advises we narrow down the viable options that best suit our own path. The Defining Decade reassures us that the 20's are a period meant for career growth & humility, not the time to impress others who may not even be as content in their own circumstances as they seem.
The topic then shifts onto Love. Jay emphasizes that adults our age should be mindful when selecting a spouse, as we are expanding and creating our own family tree. In the chapter "The Cohabitation Effect," she speaks about deciding to move in with a partner & avoiding the try before you buy approach when it comes to relationships. Dr. Jay states "About two-thirds of twentysomethings believe that moving in together is a great way to avoid divorce." By the end of the chapter, we learn it's ultimately best to discuss your intentions before cohabitation & have a clear understanding of whether yours & your partner's plans are aligned. "Dating Down" & "Being in Like" are also two chapters featured in this portion of the novel. During these chapters, Jay encourages using the 20's as an opportunity to learn about your needs/wants in a spouse & how to become the life partner you strive to be. She describes the way most individuals have picked a partner based off obvious similarities such as music preferences, age, & religion. Though this may present comfort & familiarity, Jay concludes that The Big Five matter most when choosing a partner. The Big Five - openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, & neuroticism - determine the way we live & make decisions. A delightful relationship isn't necessarily shaped by compatibility, but more so how you deal with incompatibility.
The last component, titled The Brain & The Body, prioritizes investing in our physical & mental health. Jay reveals that although the frontal lobe is still a work in progress for those of us in our 20's, now is no time for postponing vital decisions. According to The Defining Decade, "Never again will we be so quick to learn new things. Never again will it be so easy to become the people we hope to be. The risk is that we may not act now." Furthermore, this section highlights that it's typical for the twentysomething brain to focus on mistakes & the micro-traumas we experience at work on the daily. As easy as it is for us to feel inclined to take action (by quitting or aggressively defending ourselves), Jay expresses that practicing rational & patient reactions will promote growth in the frontal lobe. Confidence is equally brought to light, as the author suggests we take ourselves seriously by dressing presentably at work & other public affairs. Dr. Jay informs us that REAL confidence is built from mastery experiences & lived moments of success during difficult times. In the chapter "Getting Along & Getting Ahead," the author insists that goal setting leads to purpose & overall well being in our thirties. She endorses investing in our adult life & in personality maturation. The final chapter in this portion, labeled "Do the Math," is filled with advice on realistically & strategically planning our lives. Jay places emphasis on avoiding tossing the future into an abstract world (present bias) & urges twentysomethings to be aware that the plans we set into action now have the power to benefit us in the years to come.
It's extremely evident Dr. Jay views the 20's as a critical decade & believes we should spend as little time experimenting & procrastinating as possible. I recommend you take this book with a grain of salt, as there are areas I have found critique in. For instance, the novel seems to be targeted mainly towards twentysomethings without children or marriages, who are predominantly focusing on education & career matters. We all undeniably live distinct lives & the book may not seem inclusive or as if it pertains to some people in this age group (20's). I do, however, feel that within the pages there's valuable info for ANYONE looking to take their success into their own hands throughout these crucial years. When I began this novel, I sometimes thought to myself "How can this lady possibly think she has all of our 20's figured out for us?" I shortly discovered that I was not reading a book of rules; this is simply a guide on how to make long-term, beneficial decisions this decade. Jay NEVER states that twentysomethings who choose to follow different guidelines than the multiple mentioned in this book are wrong. She does indeed declare that we are molding and preparing for the remainder of our adult lives during the defining decade. Conveying her lessons through a straight-forward approach, Meg Jay warns us that playtime is over kings & queens! (Or not, after all.. your 20's are yours!)
claiming productive defining decades for us all,
KIY
This is a good review! It's nice that while the author seems to be generally talking to twentysomethings who are single, it's still overall a good read with learnings. Cheers to productive defining decades for us!